Just go away

We watch on television the protagonist coming to the rescue of his depressed best friend which leads to the two becoming stronger friends than ever and they live happily ever after.

As our GP topic on media rightly points out, what we see on television is only projected as reality. It is perceived and not a true reflection.

Do you know that when I'm emotional, I get even more pissed that people 'come to my rescue'? Then I lash out on a good friend and then get even more angry at myself.

So just go away. I can only be a nuisance to my friends and that makes me really infuriated at myself.
Can you not see I'm extremely bothered that I cannot handle myself? Is that arrogance or esteem?
I know I look like I'm just begging for someone to come talk to me. And that's ironic isn't it? The more I sit away from my class, the more they are curious or feel obliged to become saints.

I hate being a hindrance. I dislike receiving charity. I've already established that what I want in life is to contribute and give, that my needs, my discomfort is not important at all for the greater good and for a community. It may be why I despise the American value of the individual over the rest. How can I achieve that if I constantly need external maintenance?

Once again, Jia Lok proves to be an expert. "He just needs some time alone." is all I want to hear.
Not "Relax dude. Chill."


I'm just selfish that I don't let other people into my life. Is that wrong? So far the only thing I've gained from exposing myself is weird looks and judgement. If I'm such a terrible person, why do you want to rub it in even more? Once again I reiterate: If everyone could hear what I was thinking all the time, I would have no friends.

This is where Bryan's advice steps in. "You find your best friends when you do what you love doing." Its true. So freaking true. Just yesterday talking to a Raffles Photographic Society member who was from RGS choir, (and her name is super cool! The Pokemon Team Rocket leader's boss, yeah an Italian guys' name 'Giovanni') and we could actually hold a conversation for half an hour (we stay two bus stops away coincidentally). Meanwhile, 5 minutes is already agony walking together with say... Nicole. Still, We just met, so its easier to talk. And she's making an effort to end awkward silences too. Ultimately though, I think my best friends, are those that don't seem like best friends at all!

I find the most humble people the most respectable. The people who ironically, do not prioritize socializing at all. Lee Kuan Yew said in his book, that he's actually quite a lonely guy nowadays ---- his dear wife passed away, together with most of his old friends. Yet, he carries on, just working... just pursuing a better Singapore and spreading her influence. In my class there's Samuel, Yong Xien and Zhe Yuan. We correspond sometimes on the simplest levels. And sometimes, that's all I need. At the least, they hold every conversation with rational purpose. I really cannot explain it, somehow, I just give them the highest respect naturally.

Haiz. It's this obsession with the unseen and the underdogs again. Another thing happened yesterday when I went to take a passport photo at Marine Haiwaii, and quaint little shop in the heartlands of Marine Terrace.

Frankly on the surface, he looks like a pathetic old man, I've even seen several bottles of alcohol in his back shop (but that could be used as a solvent for old film stuff too) owning a minor business by himself.

But if you truly get to know someone, there are always deeper complexities then you can see. The walls are littered with his photographs and in the back of the shop where only people taking portraits go there's a small wall in the corner that represents his vast experience. Awards from the photographic associations of Singapore (He was an associate director there), Malaysia, China, Hong Kong, Taiwan and even one from South Africa. A picture of a Nepalese girl (he travelled there) that just owns my photography upside down.

He's one of those unsung heroes who have put his old glory days behind for a quiet and humble living, eager to share his stories with customers like me (I asked him about all of it). Gave me advise about always fighting and going for all the competitions given the chance, just be gung ho, and if you lose, you still can see the winner's picture in copies of magazines to improve yourself. He's language wasn't fantastic, but that just made his words sincere.

I'm humbled... It makes me feel embarrassed that I have a nice home, good food, and did nothing for it. That's why I'm quite intolerant of seemingly pampered youths nowadays.

I wonder if he's like Lee Kuan Yew, with his friends and family passed on... Is it really that sad? Or sobering? Life goes on... and passes on... that makes me sad. Do people notice? I don't know. Do they deserve to be noticed? Yeah... How many people... like that, under the poverty line, or without caregivers. It's why I sometimes cannot fathom being on my own. Yet, is it really that bad? No answers... I'm too deep and serious for my own good.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Art nourishes the hungry soul. And just like food, different people have different cravings.

The quote was found on Hendrik's blog.

He wants a hug

Story of my life

*Note: Posts with label 'photoshop' also refer to images done up using Adobe Lightroom 3 (as of now), Raffles Photography recommendation.