Beneath the skin

FACT: If you knew what I was thinking all the time, I'd probably have absolutely no friends heh.

That's what I believe anyway...

I always advocate strongly, the right thing to do, and my ideals, but those aren't exactly by nature... may explain why I'm not in council, or in fact, have very little leadership experience.

The truth hits hard but I've accepted it.

I'm selfish.
I'm judgmental.
I'm jealous.
I'm snobbish.
I'm arrogant.
I'm pampered.
I'm lazy.
I'm over-competitive.
I'm horny desperate.
I'm hateful.
I'm cowardly.
I'm heartless.
I'm rude.
I'm vulgar.
I'm domineering.
I'm cynical.
I'm insecure.
I'm a show off.

But I'm different.

From young, I've constantly reflected, and reached these conclusions. The pragmatic solution? Rules.

Rules I play by, live by. My logical and pragmatic mind, is stronger than you know, and I'm colder and more emotionless than you think. The reality is we are humans, humans with emotion and irrational feelings full of logical fallacies. I despise this distorted way of acting. So I have agreed with myself, that since these emotions and irrational feelings, are going to mess you up, just destroy them, or just like conditioning your body, conditioning my mind, by making myself become a nicer and better person.

I know these facts. I'm not happy about it. The only logical solution is to force change. So far its been working.

Here are some examples of what I mean.
Due to the extreme nature of my real thoughts, I've censored them. And the sentences may not be linked, but different responses. Most of my actions are with reluctance emotionally, and sometimes physically but with pure logic and temperament mentally.

*Group project, after seeing groupmate's work*
Thoughts: Fucking hell bitch don't screw up the fucking powerpoint just let me do it if you don't give a damn about the finish. Fuck, have to use Microsoft word just cause these lamos don't have InDesign. Times New Roman? For god's sake, fucking change the title font at least. Great, no fucking pictures, are you even interested? What the shit, all you fucking did was Wiki and google crappy images, go to hell.
Forced change: OK I'll let you do this part, I trust you. Haiya, can lar I suppose. OKOK should be OK. If something he/she did went wrong, will cover for him/her completely. Put all effort into fixing and improving.

*Friend (in this context, not as close) comforts me*
Thoughts: You think I fucking need to know shit I already fucking know. Are you not just fucking repeating the same cliche shit that every dang person is telling me? Are you even fucking listening to me? Do you even understand what I'm going through? Nope. I bet you're just trying to act like such a nice person and make people like you. Fuck you.
Forced change: Thanks... I'll be fine, really.

*After failing something*
Thoughts: Any excuse that usually blames everyone else and everything else. Because I'm obviously the best, and I don't make mistakes. Fucking not my fault.
Forced change: Completely thrash all excuses and blame myself in every logical way I can find, usually the truth. Apologize to everyone who helped me, or showed support. If it is a screw up, will force myself to offer resignation or drop out of whatever I was doing, and will really do it, against my true thoughts, and no matter how unfair.

*Asked why I am such a goody-two-shoes, or after witnessing anarchic/rebellious acts/complete disregard for the teacher, class, school, stuff like that*
Thoughts: Fuck your balls off, you don't give a shit about your fucking future. Why the fuck would anyone choose to be unproductive at his/her own will? Its the fucking rules. Fucking follow them asshole. Stop fucking acting cool, seriously, just stop. If I had the power and no restraint, I would fucking stab everyone of you with Kwang Ik's sharpened knives. Do you actually give a fuck about your parents worrying about you? Your teachers? Nope. You're just a spoilt brat with no life, I hope you grow up to be a fucking cleaner.
Forced change: Haiya, I'm too guai kia for my own good :D. Its a free country, they can do whatever they want. You could do with some letting loose Li Keen. Let it slide. People are different. You are not the ultimate authority. *Continues justifying peace*

*Told I'm lame/immature for either, lame jokes, playing Pokemon, stuff like that.*
Thoughts: Yes yes very matured of you to stare in the mirror all day and stopping at every reflection you see and start styling your hair and checking out your fucking awesome abs eh? Do you fucking work for Gatsby or California Fitness? FUCK YOU. I can fucking do whatever the fuck I want you arrogant bitch. Just fucking go away. I don't fucking care if you're my friend or not. So you'd rather I fucking tell sick and racist jokes? They are like, the fucking epitome of immature douchebags like you.
Forced change: Haha I know la, but its fun what... I'm just bored la. I'm dam lame and nerd one, don't know meh?

I could go on, but I think its been too long.

I think, a lot of people are like that. But the difference is, I made a choice to put all my strength into improving. Its only the right thing to do for humanity. The logical path. Ultimately, I benefit too, perhaps that's really why I'm doing all this.


I'm courteous.
I'm kind.
I'm restraint.
I'm peaceful.
I'm caring.
I'm selfless.
I'm optimistic.
I'm NOT uptight.
Still not very humble heh.
I'm adventurous.
I'm hard-working.
I'm understanding.
I'm compromising.
I'm down-to-earth.
I'm abstinent.
I'm trusting.
I'm semi-altruistic (I don't believe anything is pure)

I think I really need to credit a few things. I may have forgotten more... its been a long time since I set myself on a goal towards right (no pun intended).

Naruto. This show, I think, influenced me, to never give up in the face of near impossibility, both of changing my personality, and changing people. Hard work, but you always keep trying. Its only right, and shows true strength of character. Basically, never giving up on always improving, and doing better every time.

Ngee Ann Primary. This school, IMO, instilled me the true and noble values of selflessness and putting others before you. The community before self, a communist and chinese ideal and value, but truly logical, and righteous. I still remember, part of our key values was to put others before self.

Fairly Odd Parents. One episode. Jorgen was his usual arrogant and militaristic self, but with respect, sincerity and sense of righteousness he said to Timmy, "You don't do good deeds to get noticed. You do them, because they are the right thing to do!" I found it deeply profound and logical, and tied in well with an earlier quote on kindness and about putting others before self in Ngee Ann.

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THIS POST HAS BEEN SO EPIC LONG. I bet you guys would strangle me if I didn't put at least one pic!

Original

The flower that looked down and the leaf that dreamed