Everyone seems to be doing great. Does it mean they're really great or great at hiding it?... So many questions, I wish that people would just stop lying... but I do too.
There are sporadic moments of loneliness, of every negative emotion I can think of, and often its always me who's displaying it...
Is it a family thing? My civics tutor, and well, everyone else harps on about quality time with family and what not, but my whole life have mostly been independent of them. Or has it?
Insecurity is the most accurate inaccuracy.
Nowadays I spend my evening largely by myself, the only times I talk to my parents if they aren't already overseas is about politics, the house, money, and signing forms.
Back to sporadic moments of negative emotion. I don't think its sporadic anymore.
Argh, how can some unstable person lead RPS? ...
Maybe its also lack of sleep and food. Haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon, and only slept 5 hours though I had PE.
But most probably, its envy.
Suspect 1: Council Investiture
Watching the councillors get invested, listening to inspiring speeches and goodbyes, witnessing their past journeys unfold on screen and seeing the joy, the hard work, everything... reminding me of what I missed. I know it hurts. But then again, Jia Lok, Bryan (Lum), Husain... seeing these upright individuals honored and working for the school as they do best, its heartening.
Suspect 2: Chorale
Watching the chorale perform yesterday was another reminder of what I've missed. The arduous journey to SYF, the joy and sorrow, and just singing your heart out. And they sang beautifully.
Suspect 3: Photog
This sounds ironic, seeing as being appointed as chair is a joy. It sure is, I actually enjoy emailing and organizing and thinking of new ideas till late in the early morning. There is just one problem.
And this problem. IS EXTREMELY SENSITIVE MATERIAL. VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY. In fact, its so sensitive I cannot hold it in... if Joshua and Benedict are reading they should know what I'm talking about.
Its so freaking sensitive that that that I could jump off a cliff for even thinking about it. Or rather, 'jump off a plane for ya' if you can take a hint. In fact, just try and link these three things together.
Distraction
Hormones
Wei Chung's blog
Omg. If she reads my blog, I'm done for.
When I 'C' her, I get a rush.
When she's around, I fumble, I stutter, I shiver.
When she's not, I imagine, I over-analyze, I panic.
This is very very bad, specifically because it's not just about friendship, it's also about work.
Usually, I will
A. Just find every possible way to hate the person's guts (ouch)
B. Find reasons to why it it's impossible
C. Avoid
All of which are not applicable!!! SHIT. And it's MESSING ME UP.
Symptoms
Unable to concentrate during Math lecture (How is it even possible she sits right in front of me? =_=)
Unable to get things done efficiently during meetings (When she left early, we suddenly finished everything in 20 minutes)
Note the better secondary schools in Singapore
VS (Boy's)
Cedar (Girl's)
Maris Stella (Boy's)
SCGS (Girl's)
RI & Hwa Chong (Boy's)
RGS (Girl's)
EXPLAIN.
And now. Now I think I've just realized the impossibility and irresponsibility of the situation. Not just because most guys are more, well, 'sought after' (especially in her class). But because she's much more active and an overall much more cheerful and supportive person. Sighz. I'm hopelessly lonely now after all the nonsensical wastage of time mulling over her, conditioning my brain to stop doing it, and seeing her and doing it all over again.
I have so much to say, and after talking to Joshua, I know I'm not the only one thinking this way.
The indicators are clear. Contrary to my initial belief, I've only just begun to grow up.
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And all my time spend blogging could be used to chat with someone.
Or maybe not.
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