Tch.

Meaning screw it. (Marcus influence!!)

Is it weird to reflect on your life ever so often? That you think about how you got here, what makes you different from the rest? What makes you different from your brother, what makes you different from the guy who took the exact same subjects as you, what makes you different from your entire generation.

Is it weird to wonder? Wonder what people do when they have time alone? Wonder what people are thinking when they talk to you? Wonder if people think about you from time to time, wonder what a pretty face thinks when she sees you, wonder if people are showing their true colors or not, wonder if you should change, wonder what happens if you did something differently, wonder... and wonder.

I just read in the papers something about how father-child relationships affect the child's security. Not whether Mas Selamat will show up at night, but how insecure the child is. Now I wonder if that's me. I went on further to read how a father who kept having to travel overseas affected the child really badly. So something stirring inside me for a while comes to mind.

My mother consulted me when she was about to take up a really heavy, travel loads job. Its too late now, but I wonder if that affected me. I think it did, more than I thought it would at the time. She told me she was asking me because she thought I was matured for a kid when I was 13. Maybe I was already affected as a child. Maybe its just me and I shouldn't blame my parents. I told her she should worry more for my younger brother's sake. She took the job, and I wonder if it did make a difference in my younger brother... and me. For however optimistic I am about my character, I'm still a kid.

So now what? I crave attention, seek affection, and long for a family. Its why I'm interested in hearing about other people's family. Cool, I just had an epiphany, and I'm wondering about the people who blog. Why they blog, what made them blog, and what is it they share in common outside of a blog, that perhaps reveals a character, a trait like a television drama. Hah that would be cool, you know when the show reveals a back story to an awesome character, and how these characters converge somehow despite their different backgrounds.

Maybe the best way for my family to get closer and know me better is to read my blog. I know Rifdi's parents do. It doesn't scare me, the least I know is that they love me and I love them no matter what, isn't that what family is? When they ask for it, I just go ahead and tell them, just like my blog. I recall my mum telling me she saw a photo of my vice chair on facebook. She teases me that she's dam pretty. Can tell she was pleasantly surprised to hear a "Yes, she's dam pretty. And dam distracting. Every time we have a meeting she calls me slow, and I think part of the reason is that she's around. After she has to leave for something the rest of the exco and me sort of am able to wrap things up real quickly. <---- something along those lines. My mum's response was quite cool, she said she agreed with me, quite natural. Wish I had more conversations like that. Maybe her facebook stalking is a good thing.

Tch. I'm going through another phase of loneliness again.

So I didn't answer why do I blog? Maybe I'll throw in some thoughts about why some others blog too? Its not meant to be offensive, just thinking only. I judge but I try my best to stay optimistic and treat everyone fairly but differently. Being a psychotherapist, a bringer of bad news, can get a lot of enemies. I think honesty is the best policy.

Why I blog: Lack of family support.
I know how I started, when one day I couldn't take Alif and his nonsense. Which is frankly, not his fault, I'm just insecure like that. But I had no one to turn to, I wouldn't have really told me parents. They would have just put nicely something like 'you're weak' and laugh at me. :/ So I needed public attention, or at least a private space where good friends could maybe give me advise.

Why Rifdi blogs? I'm sure he's really close to his parents. But there's something missing, he knows it.
Why Husain blogs? Too much of that something Rifdi lacks to be a nuclear family.
Why Marcus blogs? Well from some of his posts, I can tell he's not exactly happy with his parents.
Why Jaren blogs? Honestly don't know, but he seems to be as reflective and angsty as me :)
Why Zaki blogs? Hmm. Tricky, his blog isn't meant to angst or rant. Rather, to spread his wealth of wisdom and maybe see if people agree, which i do. Admire his courage like that.

That's all for now... Since these are the people whom I stalk the most and have some clue about. Just cause I didn't write about the others doesn't mean I don't respect them equally (or stalk them equally).

Tch.

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I wish I could play the piano, drums, guitar, any instrument better. And cook. Yeah Cooking is attractive lol.