Float

Float

Wednesday 8 June 2011

Stubborn lies

So glad Benedict is on this trip with me.

I'm tired and upset at myself... again.

I attempted a  major persona change in a way, and it did work for a time. During CCAL camp I noticed people were much more inclined to talk to me, that I was much more livelier, and well, I really did feel much better about myself. I wonder if people noticed.

If any readers out there are female, I urge you to stop reading now haha. Lest you change your impression of me very deeply.

There's a very stupid male instinct of mine. I recall playing 'Hot Seat' during CCAL camp and someone asking me who I like. I answered, aptly and honestly "anyone with a pretty face". I know it fucking sucks, but I'm as superficial as the next guy. But its also true that face is often accompanied by a great soul. Because then if it wasn't the feelings you get just die out and never come back. It was hence very easy to forget those feelings often, because I'm generally able to churn out some super-powered cynicism and hate almost anyone I could possibly imagine. (I exaggerate, there are many exceptions)

So when I saw and talked to her again, well I guess it was OK. Slowly though, maybe it was the happier demeanour and loss of earlier feelings that made it easier to talk. Bleah. Suffice to say it was back to over-analyzing. Another stupid male instinct, just because you like her (on the surface of course) and you just start getting either really competitive, defensive, or in a sense start being a bit more show off-ey in an effort to prove your worth unconsciously. I fell for it right there and then and coupled with my once thought lost stubborn denial of losing and weakness, had to angry again. Fucking tired and upset. At myself... again.

Bah.

Finally wore off. The angst I mean. The emo-ing. Music always helps. Some alone time and reflecting. Our brains are hard wired to be optimist according to a TIME article. We naturally have the tenacity to bounce back. So I end this post with sleep beckoning me and hope for a better tomorrow. Sayonara.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Pardon. Its really difficult to get symmetrical shots on a moving bus despite all the tries you can get (every street in New York virtually looks like this). This photo fails to be completely symmetrical, but the famed Yellow NYC cab is a bonus :)

No comments: