Broken heart

This post is very very very emo and really really really private. It took some courage and maturity to write it, so please don't suan me nor spread it.

In Primary 6 I had a crush.

Despite futile attempts to brush it off, I got distracted in class and it was ever more difficult to be around her.

Maybe I was tired, maybe I was drunk with infatuation, whatever it was, I did a very silly thing of revealing it on MSN and challenging other guys to do the same.

It could be why I don't regularly go to MSN now.

After word got out, it wasn't long before she asked a friend of mine to tell me to take it down. She didn't even talk to me on MSN herself.

Despite going on confessing to others who asked me after that, she started to DAO me and all that, even into secondary 2, but we grew up and got over it. I was obviously very extra and stupid.

Fucking fucking fucking stupid. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Naivety lost my courage for me, and a lot of other things.

Just cause you like someone doesn't mean he/she will like you back.

Even while I'm typing this, I truthfully feel very very weak hearted.

After that incident, I became very depressed and full of angst. Only when I look back now do I realize it was because of that and not because of puberty. Somehow it triggered me to become dark and pessimistic. If you knew me in early secondary 1, you would have known how emotional I was.

For better or worse, I ended up in a boy's school. I guess it helped my education a lot, because I wasn't distracted anymore. Maybe my brain was trying to tell me 'never again'. It didn't help that I met people like Benedict though.

I've changed a lot since then, and I really think it was because of then. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I realized how powerful infatuation can be. I detest superficial love.

Which is why I have a bit of a problem now.

I'm back to a co-ed environment. And I don't say it out loud obviously, but a girl in my OG is really pretty... and it fucking takes so much effort to stop thinking about her just like in Primary 6.

I'm silently scared and intimidated inside. Not so much anymore, but I'm afraid it might affect me again.

Oh gosh what the fuck is wrong with me seriously. I'm so fucking desperate and can't control myself.

I know I made the girl in Primary 6 really confused and hurt, I hope she forgets it entirely. But why can't I fucking forget? I was so fucking broken hearted...

I hate superficial yet I am. And unfortunately, everyone else is kind of in a way. I'm sure everyone tries not to, but people look for cool, popular, buff/pretty guys/girls, none of them me. Or am I mistaken?

I NEED A FUCKING COUNSELOR. Marcus, Jaren, whoever reads my blog, can you please take psychology lessons and talk to me = =. Or at least give me a fucking wake-up-slap every time I do something like space out, shudder or rotate/shake my head because that usually happens when I'm thinking of her.

I seriously just want to be friends with everyone, nothing more. No relationships, nothing. Please.

Education is way way way more important than stupid crushes. GOT TO CONCENTRATE, I KNOW I CAN DO IT.