I cannot take it. Nothing can help me

At this stage, I think people in my position would consider suicide. I have. But I'll never. Because its stupid. Ending your life before you use it. 'The purpose of life is a life of purpose.' I don't care about my suffering if I'm able to make a contribution to society.

I just want to scream right now.

My circumstance. Cannot be coincidence. But I have no right to believe it is supernatural either. The logic, is just, fundamentally not there. I'm a mostly pro-scientific method, agnostic guy. It pains me even. I'm confused, yet I'm not.

I cannot take it. Yet, I will. Because that has always been me. Basically, living, perhaps optimistic that things will turn around. Perhaps naively optimistic.

I have always dealt with bad luck. I use the word luck, because I believed it in before, back when somehow, circumstances were always against me, in a card game or competition. And maybe I'm starting to believe it again. But that would be wrong. Fuck this. And its times like this, that people tend towards looking at supernatural answers. But I shan't go in to that. Firstly cause I'm bot looking for any religious debate. I definitely can't take it now. And secondly, because it is reasonable to believe that this attitude of victimizing myself is just giving arrogant me excuses, which I detest. There is never any point in complaining, nor being unproductive and unsure of anything.

Why all this depressing talk...?

I "chose" to get some stomach infection right when council campaigning starts. I thought if I could just power through, it'll be alright, I'll suffer, no one else would, nor would my outcome to council, just maybe physical pain. But I've instead become a burden. To my campaign mates, I have brought terrible cost in terms of time and concentration, up till the point today where I really couldn't handle it without posting. The critical factor that made me do so was because I realized, I had every power to meet a certain deadline yesterday, or at least a little late, or even at least tell my teammates there was such a deadline (because the powerpoint was so quick I cannot blame them for missing a few important points, I also missed many). But because I was so blur, deadened, weakened not just by sleep, but by my illness, which entails poor nutrition and hence concentration...

I sound like, I'm just blaming the stomach infection. But fuck it when can I do? And it doesn't matter does it? It happened, I didn't handle it well, I punished my teammate's council chances. And there is always the nagging feeling. I could have avoided this infection for so many reasons. Like maybe I should have taken care by Wednesday after that PE lesson where I was abnormally weak already, or Thursday when I got a fever, or forcing myself to eat properly on Friday and Saturday...

And guess what, it isn't just council. I have systematically left out all my homework. Being super goody-two-shoes. It is one of the most devastating things I can experience. I've shown how weak I am. I've shown how lousy I am. I have shown myself, how lousy I am.

Nothing can help me. Because it happened. I will continue living. I cannot change the past. I can only let it affect my future.